One year ago today DH went into the hospital with a diagnosis of Bipolar. It was horrible. I was at my end with trying to appease him or please him or understand him. I would do the same thing in the same circumstance again...maybe sooner. It has grown me: I am more confident in doing hard things.
But I miss him deeply, my best friend is gone on his own free will. I ache constantly for my children who have lost their father. I mourn what we all miss because of the illness.
I am thankful for my support system and for God's provision.

Taken last fall after he left the state, before he said he was never coming home.
In the last year:
I got a job, after 18 years at home, as an RN making 3 x minimum wage. I love being a nurse. It was like riding a bike. The positive feedback from my co-workers is amazing
DD#1 got almost straight A's in her first year of community college; was hired as photo editor of the school paper (she wants to be a photo journalist); is now working almost 30 hours a week in addition to classes. Was proud that she provided meat for the family with her pig that did not make weight...home grown ham, yum.
DD#2 got a job that pays enough to pay for all of our animals' feed. Earned her way to the state 4-H horse show. Got her drivers license and learned how to back the trailer the 600ft down the drive to our barn. Coordinated a group of retired men from our church to enlarge our horse pasture by 3 fold.
DD#3 earned 2 best of show ribbons at the county fair. Has cooked more dinners than I have. Has organized and hosted 2 rabbit workshops with attendees from more than 2 hours away.
DS joined Boy Scouts and achieved his first rank. Attended Scout camp for a week. Mowed the lawn many times. And jumps in when I need things done.
DD#4 finished a tap class and started a second year. Started practicing with the JV homeschool volleyball team. Learned to read, but still says she can't. Cared for her leased horse more than her sister did. Learned how to spin yarn. Showed a pig in the county fair for the first time
DD#5 finished a tap class and now is taking a jazz class. Learned how to read and has a passion for it. Participated more in caring for the pigs.

As a family we were blessed beyond measure with gifts of food and clothing and time.
We also camped (in our restored '74 trailer) at fair. I thought I wasn't going to make it through the week: We took about 35 animals entered in 80 classes and 88 still exhibits entered. I don't remember much of it.
Then we camped for a weekend at a Tractor show to be night guard for our 4H club's petting zoo.

Now I face more challenges as I am trying to get the legal separation financial details taken care of with no cooperation from my husband and a lousy lawyer that I am done with.
My job was nights, I have been so sick recently that I can't work nights any longer, working mostly evenings now. Now I may have an opportunity to work in a hospital 12 hour shifts. Tough decision.
Homeschooling is difficult when I am not around much or exhausted, but the older children are learning time management and prioritization.

So we have some a long way and we hurt everyday he is not here. But I received the best end of the judgment. The house and our friends and our kids (mostly) bring me joy despite the struggles.

Thank you for your continued prayers and reading my first blog post in forever.

Becky,
In the heart of Todd's home with my olive branches (Josie 11/96, Gabbi 9/98, Natalie 5/00, Daniel 9/02, Mary 9/04, and Tabitha 7/06) around my table. Ps 128:3