So this fall it has been 10 years that we have lived on Ring Road. 
It has been 4 years since I have done it alone.
It is hard everyday, every minute of single parenting is hard.
Today was a reflective, a mental health day.
All of my children tend to be Broadway fans.  Josie first mentioned "Next to Normal" when she covered it for work a few years ago.  I never listened to the music until today because I didn't think I could handle the content and emotions. 
Not sure I was ready today, but I knew I needed a mental health day.  Something cathartic.  I laid in the sun for a bit, working on keeping the summer color that keeps me from looking dead all winter.  Then, as I had thought I should for some time, I started to burn the picnic table that Todd bought me as a Mothers Day gift in 2008.  It is rotting, not safe. It is another reminder of him and our screwed up life.
I am finding joy in work and fear in falling in love again.  My children grow up regardless.  They are not perfect and their life shows the trauma they have lived.  I wish for them to forget the hard stuff but it will create the character they need to succeed in life.

The family in "Next to Normal" dealt with bipolar for so much longer than we had to.  It had more of clear beginning,  but a much longer struggle.  My struggle or experience with depression mirrors the struggle of the wife in the story.  My struggle as the spouse of one who has bipolar parallels the husband of the story. 

The songs from the musical:
Just Another Day:  We look good from the outside.  I share my story when I can, not for sympathy but for a reality check for every one.
Everything Else:  Crazy and genius go together.  "and you play and everything else goes away" My escapes have not been consistent enough.
Who's Crazy:  I loved. 
My Psycopharmocologist:  This is so real.  I have seen from a professional and personal view.  This so accurate it is funny and not funny.  How can you not laugh?  Otherwise it is so sad.  The one who holds on?  That is me. I don't feel anything = patient stable.  I wish  there were days I felt nothing.
Perfect for you: Ever be seduced by a scientist and INTJ?  it is not very romantic by most standards.  but I get it. 
I Miss the Mountains.  There were no mountains for a very long time.  Now the mountains are one comment from one family member at work.  A kiss as thanks for dinner for all my kids. The small successes of my babies.  Just a thought that maybe this relationship will last more than another few weeks....a trip in a year or two together, could it really happen?  I fear to hope.
It's Gonna Be  Good:  The moments of hope that life is normal come and go too often.
He's Not Here: Get on with your life!
You Don't Know:  You don't know what its like to die alive.  I felt like I died when Todd left.  That life died, that perfect family, that lifestyle.  Now I don't know where I fit.  None of the rules apply.  What are the rules?  I need new rules.  I found a set of rules and they served me for a long time.  They don't work anymore.
I am the One:  I waited, I worked, I stayed committed to the vows I made.  Where did it get me?  But that's who I am.  Can anyone else love me the way I know how to love?
Superboy and the Invisible Girl:  Not my childhood.  I was loved equally with my brother.  The only trauma of my youth was a babysitter when I was about three,  Not sure my parents even knew.  My mom believed in me beyond what I did and never understood my self doubt. I hope none of my children feel invisible, but I understand if they do at times.  I am off in my own reflections too often.
I'm Alive:  The son in the story died young which was the trigger of the mother's bipolar.  He drives her disease, but also the lives of the other characters.  They all fight with his death as individuals and as the cause of her issues.  It is like Satan saying "Here I am to make your life hell through a loved one's mental health issues."  My children will always have this struggle. :(
Make up Your Mind:  Yet another kind of therapy to fix the illness.  We never explored options because Todd never though he was ill.  I grieve this loss.
Catch me I'm Falling:  Todd used to catch me when I had low days.  David tries, but he is so far away.  I don't know if he really understands or can...I hope so, but also don't want him to have to deal with my crappy feelings.  But I know he will.
I Dreamed a Dance: I have moments that are a dance.  But the day will again dawn.  The dance of life and treatments and illness will go on.
There's a World: The pain will go away?  When? For how long?  Never long enough.  The episodes of freedom last longer and longer, but the pain still survuves in ways unimaginable.
I've Been:  How to help?  No one really knows.  It just depends on the moment. I can't give up now.. I will never give up for my children.
Didn't I See this Movie?:  No, he was never that crazy, actually he was.  He was completely out of touch with reality.  That's the only reality that makes my life livable.
A Light in the Dark:  Our House, our home, why do I live here alone....Because I made vows before God and kept them through sickness and health and all the other crap that is life.
Wish I were Here:  I wish I could disassociate.
Song of Forgetting: So many things I wish I cold forget.  So many things I wish I could remember in detail to share the details with the children and future generations so they could learn. 
Seconds and Years:   "Haven't had a normal day in years".
Aftershocks:  He is gone forever.  Which is worse the symptom or the cure?.  They cured me from your memory but her soul could not be cured. The soul that became one with Todd on 3/4/95 cannot be cured.  Do souls learn?
You Don't Know:  No map of where I'm going.  I certainly do not have a map.  I don't know where the pieces go. 
How Could I Ever Forget?:  I don't know for sure what was Todd's trigger was.  I think it was building the house, then stress at work.  Taking on more than he could handle for the appearance of success.  I have no idea.
It's Gonna be Good:  We can fix this...but he left
Why Stay?: Hoping for day after day. 
A Promise:  I made a promise.  "The man still remembers his vow."
I'm Alive:  Let me live my new life.  Face me.  Accept this new life.  BE ALIVE.
The Break: Nothing can explain the damage the pain mental illness can do.  It's in the soul.
Make up Your Mind:  How are you going to deal with it because there is no cure.
Catch me I'm Falling:  Maybe the fall isn't so bad after all.  I need to feel grounded.
Maybe: Who knows?  I wasn't given the option to stay with the devil I knew.  Anger and hope.  I try to give them a normal life.  I have no idea what that is.
So Anyway:  We'd both go mad that way...if he had stayed I am sure that's what would have happened.  I would have given my self over to his care and lost all of my sanity.
I am the one:  My strength will get our children trough.  You quit on them.  You left them alone, without a father.  Your ghost haunts us too often.  I want to let go.  I watched you die, disappear into your own alternative reality.  And, finally,  most days I am over it.  But true grief never ends, the pain just dulls.
Light:  Wishing all our cares away.  Some hurts never heal.  Some ghosts are never gone.  But we have to go on.  The price we pay to heal.  The price of love, we love anyway.  The new day will dawn.  Let it Shine.  Day after day. I will find the will to find my way.  There will be light.  It is so hard to think that will actually will happen. 

Mental health days used to mean happy, manicures and pedicures and shopping sprees.  But today it meant burning the logs that Todd stacked for fish habitats and the table we used as a dining room table while we lived in the barn and many tears. It also meant children understanding my words and me trying to help them understand why.  It also meant that I realized that someone wants to be with me still in another year or two to take a trip  to a dream destination.  [I have pictures of the burning table but have no idea how to post them here and am too tired to care to figure it out right now.]

Falling in love is scary when you know how bad the outcome can be of giving your life to share with another human being who cannot return the love and life long commitment.

One year ago today DH went into the hospital with a diagnosis of Bipolar. It was horrible. I was at my end with trying to appease him or please him or understand him. I would do the same thing in the same circumstance again...maybe sooner. It has grown me: I am more confident in doing hard things.
But I miss him deeply, my best friend is gone on his own free will. I ache constantly for my children who have lost their father. I mourn what we all miss because of the illness.
I am thankful for my support system and for God's provision.

Taken last fall after he left the state, before he said he was never coming home.
In the last year:
I got a job, after 18 years at home, as an RN making 3 x minimum wage. I love being a nurse. It was like riding a bike. The positive feedback from my co-workers is amazing
DD#1 got almost straight A's in her first year of community college; was hired as photo editor of the school paper (she wants to be a photo journalist); is now working almost 30 hours a week in addition to classes. Was proud that she provided meat for the family with her pig that did not make weight...home grown ham, yum.
DD#2 got a job that pays enough to pay for all of our animals' feed. Earned her way to the state 4-H horse show. Got her drivers license and learned how to back the trailer the 600ft down the drive to our barn. Coordinated a group of retired men from our church to enlarge our horse pasture by 3 fold.
DD#3 earned 2 best of show ribbons at the county fair. Has cooked more dinners than I have. Has organized and hosted 2 rabbit workshops with attendees from more than 2 hours away.
DS joined Boy Scouts and achieved his first rank. Attended Scout camp for a week. Mowed the lawn many times. And jumps in when I need things done.
DD#4 finished a tap class and started a second year. Started practicing with the JV homeschool volleyball team. Learned to read, but still says she can't. Cared for her leased horse more than her sister did. Learned how to spin yarn. Showed a pig in the county fair for the first time
DD#5 finished a tap class and now is taking a jazz class. Learned how to read and has a passion for it. Participated more in caring for the pigs.

As a family we were blessed beyond measure with gifts of food and clothing and time.
We also camped (in our restored '74 trailer) at fair. I thought I wasn't going to make it through the week: We took about 35 animals entered in 80 classes and 88 still exhibits entered. I don't remember much of it.
Then we camped for a weekend at a Tractor show to be night guard for our 4H club's petting zoo.

Now I face more challenges as I am trying to get the legal separation financial details taken care of with no cooperation from my husband and a lousy lawyer that I am done with.
My job was nights, I have been so sick recently that I can't work nights any longer, working mostly evenings now. Now I may have an opportunity to work in a hospital 12 hour shifts. Tough decision.
Homeschooling is difficult when I am not around much or exhausted, but the older children are learning time management and prioritization.

So we have some a long way and we hurt everyday he is not here. But I received the best end of the judgment. The house and our friends and our kids (mostly) bring me joy despite the struggles.

Thank you for your continued prayers and reading my first blog post in forever.

Becky,
In the heart of Todd's home with my olive branches (Josie 11/96, Gabbi 9/98, Natalie 5/00, Daniel 9/02, Mary 9/04, and Tabitha 7/06) around my table. Ps 128:3

trailer demo

Fair 2013

1910s Tea Gown

Christmas Dresses 2012

Kool-Aid Meets Mohair

I have been wanting to try Kool-aid dyeing for years.  I finally made it happen last night.

I found lots of tutorials online but followed these directions at KnitPicks.com more than any other:http://www.knitpicks.com/kpimages/PDF/DyeingTutorial.pdf

I added 1 cup of water and 1 tablespoon white vinegar to each package of Kool-aid.  I was disappointed that the Kiwi-Strawberry that was packaged in green was pink, so I combined it with the extra cherry package I bought.  I will have to search for a green another time.

I weighed 1 ounce of fiber for each package of Kool-aid then soaked it in room temp water for about a half hour.

Mostly I used Ellie's Mohair, but I made 2 batches (blue and purple) with Lama that we got a few years ago from a 4-H friend.

I drained the wet fiber and put it into the jars with the dissolved drink-mix.  I had to ad about 1 cup of water to cover the fiber with the dye.

Then I put three jars at a time into the microwave for two minutes.  After two minutes I stirred the fiber in the jars.  I continued to heat the jars until the water was clear and the dye was absorbed by the fiber.  I was very surprised how fast this happened.  The yellow absorbed the fastest.